30 Days Till 30— Daily Video Blog. Ep #14. "Dreams Are."
December 14, 2015
“Dreams are today’s answers to tomorrow’s questions.” -Edgar Cayce
The cliffs jut upwards, puncturing the grey-blue of the sky with black limestone and tropical foliage. Mini white sand beaches—in the length of two-inch increments from my vantage point— are scattered intermittently along the base of this island. I watch as rock and sand and sea meet, inhaling sharply at the utter beauty and intense imagery. Never have I seen anything like this place.
And yet, it has been such a struggle to see it— to be here. I have wanted to. I have planned to. But, my mind is devoured by the thought of a relationship uncertain. Thoughts are one of the most powerful, deadly, life giving, moment-changing, world-shattering entities in existence, with the ability to create or destroy the present and the future. When one has power and control over their thoughts, they have power over their life.
I had allowed my thoughts to run free, my mind to listen to the advice of those around me, and my heart to be hurt by things that could have been prevented. And now, I am in a battle for belief, a fight for gratitude, and a prayer for peace. It has nothing to do with him— or mostly nothing— but all to do with my perceptions and understandings.
Past memories and people from travel surface in my mind as the boat glides over the deep blue Philippine waters. The memory of a late night sitting on a hostel floor in Copenhagen, talking with an attractive Swede dances through my thoughts. I half-smile thinking of it; the cold cement. His accent, eyes, and grin. I remember the innocence and the lack of alcohol. I had hoped he would last. He hadn’t, but that was ok. Four years later, I was grateful for the beautiful memory. I’m grateful for many of the beautiful memories from travel. I pray that one day, I can truly be grateful for this place and the memories that will be left once I go.
The boat hums on as I think upon weeks spent on Maui, reminiscing over where my kite boarding obsession began and the local boy who played both me and his girlfriend. I wonder if I’ll ever get this love thing right. My mind continues its trip to Barcelona, Lisbon, Dominican Republic, and Thailand—traveling to each quickly and reliving the moments with amazement. This has been only a portion of the past seven years of my life; traveling to so places and meeting so people. I have loved it—all of it. But, do I still?
Life does not allow one to have it all, and I know I cannot sustain the extreme amount of travel and global flight attendant schedule that I have been living if I want more. If I want 'more' like a family. Or ‘more’ like a true home. It simply comes down to what is more important, and if I can trust that someone somewhere wants me. If someone will choose to deal with all of me— not just the pretty, perfect, photo-filtered parts.
I’m overwhelmed by my life, but not in a negative way. My life has its beauty and its pain. Its “How did this all happen to me?” I know Someone must love me a whole a lot to let me have, and give me and cheer me on in this life. He—that God that I screamed at once to let me disappear into nothing—has spent seven years showing me, “I’ve got a plan for you, My Darling. I promise to give you life abundantly.”
I would venture a guess He will continue to do this the rest of my life— showing me an amazing plan that I at this moment simply can not comprehend.