Out Of Place In A Town Full Of Yachties
I feel out of place in this town full of yachties. I know these feels are unnecessary as the yacht life and the flight attendant life have much in common. Regardless, I feel like I don't belong or like I shouldn't be allowed to stay for so long. So long. My definition of 'So long' is "See you later," not an amount of time. Any time more than 48 hours in a location is "Sooooo looooong!" If I'm not called out on standby, I will clock six days in the same time zone. It's day four and my jet lag feels worse than yesterday or last week. I'm unmotivated and slightly agitated, as if something is off. I think something is off. I don't like this.
The six week challenge I've undertaken seems a little off kilter too as I write while eating a Gluten-Free Vegan chocolate cupcake. I know it's not about junk food or not junk food. It's just this unsettled sense of undeserving, unwanted, and unaccepted. I know why I'm on edge. I feel unrecognized and out of place in this town full of yachties. And every single yachtie reminds me of one Yachtie. It's been so long to feel this way. It's been too long to feel this way. The words on the screen begin to blur as my eyes fill.
I just hope it will stop soon— the remembering. The caring. I hope that I will believe that I am enough. I did enough. That just being is enough. Today, it doesn't feel like that exactly. It feels lonely and messy and less than ok.
I have a bike now and my kite gear. I'm exercising and eating mostly healthy. I'm reading and studying and praying. I'm laughing and smiling and making every attempt to motivate myself as much as I can, but I'm challenged this week. Challenged to write. Challenged to see. Challenged to understand. And challenged to not feel so lonely lately.
What do you do when your whole hope is to focus on the positive, grow, and move on, but you are stuck in a place of reminders and uncertainty? Overall, you feel stupid for this, because you know you are too valuable, too smart, and too beautiful to remain stuck. Everyone is.
I have decided I do like this town full of yachties. It's just a lonely town. A transient one; one that if I was a yachtie, I might feel more like this was where I could be. I'm a flight attendant though and when I stay, it feels strange. I don't know what to do.
So, all I do in this town full of yachties is ride my bike. I ride it everywhere. I put my kite gear on my back and ride to the beach. I ride to the beach without my kite gear. I don't even want to write because the sun is shining and the wind is blowing and outside is a good place to be.
I want friends in this town full of yachties. I talk to the beach life guards and laugh. I meet someone who takes me kiting. I smile at strangers at the gym. I talk to a pilot at Starbucks for over an hour. I see a kiting friend I met in the Dominican Republic, and we watch the sunrise. Together we hope that the light breeze will turn into a gail. It doesn't. It's still nice though.
I'm doing everything I can to find place and peace— everything I can to forget I ever met a yachtie that mattered to me. Get me out of this town full of yachties before I ever meet another...