From The First Moment I Saw You— The Ultimate Love Story
Blank. Grey. Tired. Missing.
My hands are stuffed deep in the pockets of my black, oversized coat. Bright blonde hair peeks out from underneath a floppy, wool beanie. I am thinking about...I don't even know; when suddenly, a face startles me. A man is directly in my path. His lips are moving and he's speaking to me, but my ears are blocked by headphones. I can't hear what he is saying and frankly, I don't want to. The way he looks and the way he popped out of nowhere makes me think he wants to sell me some nice hand scrub from the Dead Sea. But, this is not an American mall filled with annoying kiosks or a city where pickpockets are rampant, although I do pull my bag protectively in front of my body. I realize it must be something else. Maybe I dropped something. I remove the headphones, which brings me back to this world and what has been his one-sided conversation.
"I saw you walking from over there, wearing all black with your bright hair and you were in your own world it looked like and I couldn't help but notice...
And I just needed to tell you, YOU ARE GORGEOUS."
The cold— which has transformed my pale skin to a bright pink rose— deepens to a red, as I blush and smile slightly. Simultaneously, I feel my eyes begin to water. Someone thinks I'm beautiful...but it's not the someone I wish.
I wonder what is going on in my world as this is the third time this week that I have been stopped on the street, airplane, or somewhere and showered with compliments. I usually smile graciously and ride my bike away quickly, as it's always awkward for a woman alone to be approached by a stranger who is male. This time, as much as I wanted to talk to no one, be noticed by no one, and melt away from this day that feels so grey, I was moved by the gesture; by the words of a stranger.
You. Are. Beautiful—Blank. Grey. Tired. Or Missing.
Does it ever feel like life is two steps of progress towards a goal, and a million steps back? This challenge— my healthy spiritual one and the body one that I'm doing...Well, don't even ask me how much milk chocolate, chocolate ice cream, chocolate brownies I've eaten this week. And God??? He and I are in a funk or I should say I'm in a funk and He's...I don't know what he's doing actually. I'm asking where am I, what am I doing, why does my heart still hurt so much? Why was last week so incredibly inspiring and this week so overwhelmingly, overwhelming?
It makes me wonder: Am I letting myself be defined by the things I've done wrong, as opposed to all that I'm working on towards right? Or all that's working on me, because sometimes—The Universe, God, Serendipity— operates in magical and mysterious ways.
I went on a first date last night (although I'm not dating right now. Ironic that I'm "dating" when I'm not, but more on that later) while I was in London. It was a charming evening with interesting and intelligent conversation, scattered with laughter and cute flirtation. I felt lucky that our paths had collided and lucky that a man like him would be interested in a girl like me (sidenote: I know I need to give myself a little more credit). He joked as we said goodbye at the end of the evening, that based on my outfit, he wouldn't be embarrassed to take me to a posh London place next time. I giggled, "Oh— so I passed?" He replied in all seriousness. "Darling— (as people from The UK like to use that term often) You want to know when you 'passed?' "You passed the first moment I saw you."
And it makes me think— how often is God proverbially racing down a street, jumping right in front of me SCREAMING through sunrises, sunsets, moments with friends or lovers— "Babe. YOU ARE GORGEOUS. I just wanted you to know that. I have loved you from the very first minute, moment, second I ever envisioned you and your glorious self. I love you now and till eternity. You PASSED before you even started. You 'pass' simply by being you.
And I love you when you are Blank. When you are Grey. When you are tired or missing.