To Be Honest, I'm Scared...
It hits me at the most unexpected moments. The feeling that I can't catch my breath. That fate— my fate in particular— is out of my control.
And to be honest, I'm scared.
Usually, when I'm scared, uncertain, unsettled, and all the other 'un-ways' that I don't want to feel, I write. I write hard and heavy about what hurts as Hemingway once said. I practice vulnerability like Brené Brown preaches. I create like Liz Gilbert magically admonishes.
But, what if the thing that I love; the words and images that I have toiled deeply and passionately become exactly what brings me to what I face now? A face that I don't know if I want to face. A face that I never expected to face. A face that I cannot decipher if I have the courage to face. A face that I should never have had to face.
That's life, Darling. You don't choose your challenges. You meet the ones you're dealt with all the grace, peace, gumption, and guile you don't even know you have.
And, I can't tell you what. I can't tell you why. I can't tell you what I will do. Except that I will keep writing. Except that I will keep creating. Except that I will keep living. Except that, I'm actually doing amazingly good within my fears, all-things-considered. I do and don't know why this is...
Maybe it's cause I kinda believe something, and I hope that I will soon really believe something.
I believe that on the other side of this thing—that makes me honestly scared—is opportunity. I believe that on the other side of this thing is the person I want to become. I believe that on the other side of this thing, it will all make sense.
I do believe that this is my year— my best year yet. So, fuck it. I'm scared.
But, to be honest, there is that tinge of excitement.
To be continued...